Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize