I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
