so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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