He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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