i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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