You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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