Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
the liver wants what the liver wants
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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