Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
