So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Please don't give away my fajitas
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
