I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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