God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
