Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
a search helicopter?!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
