Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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