my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
