it was like eating out sand paper
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize