We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
