Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
