Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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