it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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