my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
