Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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