weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
