i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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