Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
