can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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