I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
