I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize