Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have feelings that need drinking.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
