i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize