i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
