I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
