i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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