we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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