im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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