i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
