i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
