dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
