I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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