I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
