She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
In other news, I just burned my penis
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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