I feel great
I just peed on a car
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
