just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
