The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
