Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
