Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
