If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
