Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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