I wish my penis had an off switch
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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