finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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