The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
