I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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