Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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