Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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