Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
