I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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