that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
