i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
