Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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