Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
