I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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