cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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