i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
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