My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
