So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
