He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
