My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
