i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
