I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
