One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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